Crippled CEO Blog #156:
One of my goals as the guy who gets to make the final decisions at a company is to find all of the boring business things that companies do automatically, and reimagine them in a fun, more interesting way. For instance, instead of the regular company T-shirt, I had shirts made that make you look like a superhero; when you call our corporate headquarters, instead of the regular automated assistant, you are greeted by a voice who may or may not be Morgan Freeman; we are experimenting with more fun ways to answer the phone, like including a funny fact about yourself or wishing them a happy random holiday, like international national grilled cheese day.
One of my favorite things that we have done is replacing the standard order confirmation email verbiage with something a bit more… amazing. Amazon sends out millions of order confirmation emails every day. Zero of them are interesting.
Pool Fence DIY sends out far fewer email confirmations. But they are all pretty great. I figured I would share our order confirmation and shipping confirmation with you below. Hopefully, it might inspire somebody to add a bit more fun to their standard processes. If you can think of other boring business communications that could be made more fun, I would love to hear about them.
Pool Fence DIY Order Confirmation:
Today is the greatest day in the history of our company. Today is the day that you chose to place an order with us, the day that you trusted us to make your home safer.
When your order came in, it was printed out on the finest silk parchment using golden ink.
All of the office staff gathered around to marvel at it. We each took turns noting the details of the order, and how they reflected on your incredible intelligence, taste, and wisdom. Internationally acclaimed poets authored and recited poetry while holding your sacred order. Everyone wept.
Our Chief Operating Officer burned sage in its presence and our logistics manager led the room in a moment of prayer for you, your family, and the order.
After that, our CEO took the silk parchment with golden ink with great care and rode his electric wheelchair out to the factory. There, he presented it to the entire warehouse staff, declaring, “This is the most important order we have ever received. Please, make it with the greatest care. Do everything humanly possible to make it perfect in every way. Just like the person who ordered it.” They are now preparing it with both haste and care, treating it with the highest honors, striving for absolute perfection. (Our staff is human, of course (mostly). So, if something isn’t right, please forgive them and us. Email or call us right away. We will treat you like the fabled superstar you are and get it taken care of immediately.)
Your beautiful order will ship just as soon as it is ready. You will receive a tracking number when that happens. We cannot wait for you to see it. We are so, so excited.
If you need anything in the meantime, you can email us, your biggest fans, at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can call us at 561-316-6418.
If using those channels doesn’t make all your dreams come true, please don’t hesitate to call or text our CEO, Eric Lupton, at 561-436-1337. If he’s not doing a podcast (every Tuesday at 9:30 am) or hosting a game night (every Wednesday at 7:30 pm), he will almost certainly answer your call. You can also email him at email@example.com.
Thank you again for making this the happiest day of our lives. You are the greatest.
Order shipped email:
Previously, the best day in the history of the company was the day we received an order from you. But now, that has been topped, because today we shipped your order, and that is now the best day in the history of the company.
Your order was carefully, gingerly, prepared by our team of highly trained artisans. Each member of the staff got an opportunity to carefully touch the sealed package with reverence and say a few words. Holy men and women from all of the world’s religions took turns blessing and anointing your magical shipment, preparing it not only for the journey to your home, but the long life it will have bringing you comfort and joy.
A framed copy of the packing list has been mounted on the wall. Each employee salutes it every morning when they start their day. A lasting testament to their greatest achievement.
Our company CEO, Eric Lupton, gathered all of the staff in a circle around your incredible order, had us all hold hands, and then began singing a beautiful song that he specifically wrote about you, personally, and the order you chose to place with us. No recording devices were allowed to taint the ephemeral majesty of the moment, but due to the inspiration of the subject matter – you – it may have been the greatest song ever heard, only to be listened to and performed the one time, in honor of your shipment departing. Everyone in attendance who heard the story of your greatness, of your generosity, of the triumphant way that you live your life – they all wept cathartically. A flock of doves flew up from the center of the circle and a firework show took over the sky.
And then, emotions filled with pride and joy, your order was loaded onto the truck to be sent to you. Everyone embraced one another, knowing this was their best work, for you, the person who deserved it the most. (And though they really did try their best, they are still people, and people make mistakes, so if something isn’t quite right, please call or email us right away, and you’ll be treated like the deity that you are.)
We hope you love your order as much as we loved sending it to you.
If you need any little thing AT ALL, call us at 561-316-6418 or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
(Do you know who was using some fun words last night? Your mom. It was hard to understand her, though, because her mouth was full. Your mom also gets a text from me every Sunday with a link to the latest blog post. Send a text to 561-726-1567 with the word CRIP as the message to get a link to the blog as soon as it’s up.
Did you know that I have a YouTube channel now? I do! I am putting up two videos every single week. Go search for Crippled CEO and you’ll find me. I would appreciate it if you subscribed.)