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Crippled CEO Blog #179: Corporate Speak, the Sequel

Crippled CEO Blog #179:

If you are a long time follower of this here blog, you might remember that Michael McGahee and I keep a running list of the silly corporate jargon we hear as we go about our jobs of saving lives. It is a goal of mine to keep my company from ever becoming the sort of place where this kind of lingo is common. I previously wrote a memo using all of the words from our list, but since then, that list has grown tremendously. So, I thought it was time to update that memo while sharing the newly updated list with you, as well. If you have any phrases like this that you know that we missed, please let me know in the comments. Given how long the list is, this memo is also going to be quite lengthy, so… buckle up.

Subject: A Revolutionary Memo to Catapult Our Intrepid Team to Astronomical Success

Dear Audacious Colleagues,

As we embark on a daring adventure through the treacherous jungle of opportunity, I trust that you are radiating positivity while armed with the sharpest wits to fend off any unforeseen challenges. Together, we will navigate the bewildering labyrinth of progress and take bold leaps toward astonishing achievements.

In the spirit of reinvention, let’s circle back (1) on our recent escapades, drill down (2) into the complex web of minutiae, and ensure our north star (3) remains in focus as we think outside the box (4). As we embrace each conundrum, it’s crucial that we maintain synergy (5) and alignment (6), ever ready to shift the paradigm (7) and pivot (8) like a whirling dervish when the situation demands it.

As we tackle our budgetary constraints, we may have to take a haircut (9) on some projects and sharpen our pencil (10) on others. To make sure we optimize our resources, we’ll work together to ensure our projects are cost-effective without sacrificing quality.

Harnessing the power of our eclectic squadron, we’ll birddog (11) opportunities, touch base (12) to close the loop (13), and never forget to ask ourselves, “What’s the one thing I can do to make your day better? (14)” We’ll flesh out (15) our master plans and ensure they’re brand-aligned (16), all while keeping a hard stop (17) on any ventures that stray from our path.

In our crusade for victory, we’ll put a pin (18) in any quandaries and jump on a call (19) to button things up (20), ensuring our ducks are in a row (21). Let’s unpack (22) any conundrums, embracing our true north (23) while taking conversations offline (24) when clandestine discussions are required. Stay positive (25), test negative (26), and let’s wrap our arms around (27) the challenges looming on the horizon.

In the pursuit of greatness, we must tackle the delta (28), bring value-adds (29) to the table (30), and punch up (31) our work. Whether out of pocket (32) or in the thick of it, always strive to lay the groundwork (33), walk and chew gum at the same time (34), and traverse the parking lot (35) of uncertainty.

As we deep dive (36) into our projects, let’s double-click (37) into critical zones, boil the ocean (38) to reveal the pearls of wisdom hidden beneath, and harvest the low-hanging fruit (39). Our mission to become a category leader (40) depends on our ability to run ideas up the flagpole (41), spin up (42) ingenious solutions, and keep a watchful eye on the radar (43) for emerging opportunities.

Remember, we’re all in this together, pulling on the threads (44) of bandwidth (45) to ensure mission-critical (46) tasks are executed with the accuracy of a laser-guided porcupine. Stay vigilant, stay aligned, and together we’ll soar to the pinnacle of corporate triumph.

But, as we voyage into uncharted territories, let’s take a moment to contemplate our audaciousness, for we have dared to set our intentions (47) to reach for the stars, even if we must table that (48) idea and revisit it later (49). And if we stumble, let’s simply dust ourselves off and ask for clarification (50), as we strive to balance our zees (51) and zors (52) in harmony.

With our Wet Signature (53) of approval, let us charge into the fray with the gusto of a caffeinated hummingbird. Like a brave cheerleader (54) in the face of adversity, we’ll QQ (55) through the fog of uncertainty and emerge as victorious champions. When faced with a challenge, we’ll tackle it head-on, and if required, we’ll trigger (56) a series of brilliant maneuvers to conquer any hurdle that lies in our path.

As we sip from the firehose (57) of opportunity, let’s ensure we’re not merely drinking the water, but quenching our thirst for greatness. We’ll lay claim to our triumphs by bubbling them up (58), not like a mundane pot of boiling pasta, but like the eruption of the corporate Vesuvius.

As we nail down (59) our objectives and savor the fruits of our labor, let’s not forget the importance of Tiny Friday (60), our beacon of hope in a tumultuous week. During these precious moments, we can recharge and regroup, ready to face another exhilarating day in the realm of office conquest.

As we navigate the fiscal minefield, let’s make sure our projects scale (61) and our investments are in line with our overarching strategy. Loop me in (62) on your progress and always remember that we, as a collective force, are unstoppable in our pursuit of excellence. May our endeavors be forever guided by the employee handbook, and may we reach the highest peaks of corporate success.

Yours in relentless pursuit of victory,
Karen McKarenson
Senior Vice President of Relationals

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